by Bipad Panumas Tongsakul
Many years ago, Fate chose me for the Jackpot winning award.
The popularity of the people in my writing. bring money and reputation.
It made the thirties man like me feel that I won in the game of life. It's a reward to celebrate and I do not have to worry about earning for living anymore. I can do whatever I want because it’s a true freedom
But when I did all I wanted. I felt I was wrong.
I grew up in a moderate family and my family still has debts. The voice that talked often in my mind when I was an employee was “We have just one life. Why spend valuable time to serve other people's dreams.” To follow our own dream can be tried but it must be less tried than follow other people dream for sure! A life that we can do as we wish is really valuable.
I just slowly followed my heart until one day I found that it took me to a long way. I loved the sound of my heart so much and thankful for it that it took me to the freedom life. Let me start the lifestyle that I dreamed and did all I wanted. I could rest and did what I liked as much as I can with no limit.
While I was enjoying with my life and spending time and my luck without thinking about anything, what I found was I was not happy as I thought I would. And one day after I lived like that for many years, I found that to live like that made me sick.
If I sick physically, I can go to the hospital. But in that time, I had a symptom that hospital could not cure because I have me toxic mind.
Since I was young, I had a bad temper and very emotional. All this feeling made a loud noise in my head and they were also good for my creative work. Because I could pass this feeling to my readers with passion. Moreover, one day my work that illustrated my thought received a compliment and created money and reputation. I felt stronger with these feelings that I had and believed that they were so valuable that I must believe all they sent out.
The problem occurred when I did not use them just for my work but all those strong feelings showed in my daily life. Many times, I showed bad behavior. From outside, seem like I have a good temper but inside no one known that bad storm was rolling in my heart. I was angry and needed revenge and tried to do everything to get back from someone who made me mad. The degree was stronger and stronger all the time. But the worst was sometimes I became a disgusting person for people who close to me. When I felt bad or felt annoyed I talked and did badly with my family.
Sometimes they cried. When that passed I just realized that I should have not done like that, but I could help stop myself. It got worse and worse.
I have worked hard for success and finally got it because I was honest to my heart. But this sound that I followed was going to ruin other important parts of my life.
The sound of heart like this that I will obey? I worked hard to save money to have the freedom to serve the bad guy like this, no.
I found that for human, the more money, the more time and the more power we have, but the inside we have not been developed.
The richer and the more famous, it can be easier to do bad things and the wider the negative consequences.
The turning point of my life happened again on the day when I found the new mission that I wanted to be “a better person” I want to good enough for the luck that I got in life. I finally have freedom, so I should use it to improve myself instead of spoiling the bad part of me.
Buddhism pointed out to me that I can repair my inner sickness by training myself to understand that all thoughts and feelings that occurred are just a visitor so don’t be too serious about them. Especially, the bad one who comes in our heart and persuade us to angry at things. Don’t let him stay and don’t agree with him. Just watch and let him scream for a while after that his energy will die down.
Just this principle and live my life like this for years, things or people that used to get angry with is reduced. I can control myself more and forgive more. Even it’s not complete yet but it’s much better than before (just asked persons who are close to me.)
The lesson that I have learned is inspirational words say that “just follow your heart voice” has a cautious. You must think carefully before following it. Maybe it is the latest sound of the badness, the weakness, the angriness, and the laziness.
This is not to control the mind but it’s a practice to not let the bad thought to control us. Freedom is not only about to do everything you want but it’s that we have enough power to choose to listen to certain sound in our heart that we want. And we are strong enough to not let the bad voice take over us.
I have seen a person cured himself to live with the person whom we love for a long time and I want to be that way. That why I chose to live peacefully to improve my mind so that the one I love will feel that she is lucky to have me in her life.
This is my new job. And finally, I know that I quit my last job for this work. Someone came ns saw my life this day and said that I have time and money why don’t do more, travel more.
I smiled and said that “Live like this is worth the most”. If I live this way and continue to develop my mind, someday we will not regret that we were born. This is the job that most valuable and it’s only us can do, no one can replace us. I want to spend my life developing my mind to make it better than before. In the Buddhist way believe that this is a property that we can carry with us.
For me, this is real security for life.